Seattle Snow Fever 2008: No seriously, we really do need to be rescued…

Okay so, I honestly can’t remember the last time I spent so many consecutive days inside my house, other than when I had newborns.  These last few weeks have been hell as you very well know.  We in the Pacific NW always seem to enjoy the idea of a white Christmas, but when the white stuff ruins Christmas, well that’s just no good.

For us, given family and friends homes aren’t conveniently located- that being at the top or bottom of some very treterous Seattle hills, there was nowhere for us to go safely on Christmas eve or Christmas day, thus, we continued the endless and boring ritual of being snowed in.  Finally, today, I just could not take it a single minute longer.  A trip to the store 2.3 blocks away just wasn’t enough to keep my whistle wet anymore.  It was time to really get out there and take care of all the errands and trips that have accumulated in the million- I mean dozen- or so days we’ve all been stranded.

Let me stop here and give a preface; I know it’s cold as cold can get out there.  I know we are experienced lower than average temperatures across the region, okay, I get that.  I get that stuff won’t melt or go away when the temperate is constantly hovering around or below freezing, okay?  Fine. 

That being said, if I sum up today’s trip in one word, well, I just can’t do it!  Too many one word descriptions jump out:

Hell.  Unbelievable. Insane.  Frightening.  Miraculous.  Infuriating.  Unfuckingbelievable.

The snow removal in Seattle et al, or lack thereof, is a hotly debated topic, as you well know.  We all have an opinion as to whether or not it’s going well… or not.

The Mayor and the City have decided that the best way to deal with snow is to put down sand.  Lots and lots and lots of it.  Sand serves a purpose in certain instances I am sure we can all agree.  

Hizzoner says that sand is better for the environment.  The environmentalists came out earlier this week and said “you’re an idiot”, and that sand poses direct threats to wildlife and aquatic life.  Hmmm, problem.

Everyone is left jonesing for salt, which the Mayor and the City refuse to lay down on Seattle’s streets.

Here’s the thing we have to remember about Mayor Nickles and his infectous “green” agenda; he is not an environmentalist, he is a politician.  If Bo don’t know Didley then Hizzoner don’t know SHIT, and this little city wide snow experiment proves that.  But I digress.  Back to the driving experience.

We began our journey yesterday on Beacon Avenue on Spokane street.  First of all, is the first left off the WS Bridge open or not, damn!  Could that whole scenario be any more confusing? 

No. 

And is there one turn lane available or two? 

Alright so, we made it up the hill, we’re rolling towards the golf course, and we have to make another left turn.

But… we can’t.  We can’t because if we turn our car anywhere that we normally would turn our car, we’re going to slam into 3 feet of snow, ice and of course, sand.  Sand, sand, sand. 

Finally, we risk it; we have to turn!  We pick the lowest point in the wall of snow built up in the middle of the street and turn…then slide…then flinch…then stop.  A tap on the gas…no traction.  Hit reverse (because we’re in the middle of the damn street, unable to make the turn), and we’re back in the initial lane we turned from; turning is not going to happen, so we continue on until we hit Beacon Ave and we hang a left there.  Look to make another left…mmmm, nope…nope…shit, nope…okay here…slide…damn, stopped again, but we technically made it onto a different street, so while we’re pissed, we’re making progress, which is a plus.

Stop, slide, get stuck. 

Stop, slide get stuck.

There is anywhere from one to two and a half feet of snow, ice, slush and sand covering every inch of the streets. 

Driving in Seattle was like playing a racing video game with really horrible, unresponsive controls.  The whole time you’re trying to play the damn game you’re cussing because things just aren’t working in your favor, no matter what you do.   Yeah, that about sums up the Beacon Hill experience.

And can someone please tell me why McClellan hill is still closed?  Still?  It’s not because it’s frozen.  Sure, that mix semi freezes every night, but during the day, it’s just muck, pure and simple.  So why is it still there?  It seems McClellan is a classic example of the city’s choice to exercise the very brilliant wait-and-wait option for snow/slush/ice removal.

We finally made it off Beacon and over to Mt. Baker and experienced the exact same thing.  We got so stuck we had to turn our car around (which consisted of suddenly and unexpectedly sliding in a half circle) and going back the way we came.  We thought if we could just make it to Rainier or MLK we’d be okay. 

Since Rainier was closer, we put all our chips on that number and bet.  The outcome? 

More than a few near death experiences.

It seems that the strategy for snow plowing in the south end, was “push the snow to the center of the road”, which posed immediate problems. 

There is often no center lane going down Rainier, thus pushing all the snow, and I mean ALLLL the snow, to the middle of the road means taking what would normally be two southbound lanes and two northbound lanes and reducing them to one and one half lanes in either direction.  Yes, I said one and one half.

First, everything was fine, and then suddenly cars started swerving and slamming on breaks…honking and cussing ensued, and that was the gist of our jaunt down Rainier.  It was like they city had done everything that it could to make sure you hit, or get hit by another car on the road.  The height of snow in the street is unreal, not only in the center, but on both sides, leaving very little room to move around.  Add the speeders and the not-familiar-with-the-area people, pepper in a few metro buses and you’ve got a high pressure situation.  There were litterally times when all we could do was turn the wheel and hope for the best.

So I called the city.  They have a very nice set of folks who are spending their days listening to people just like me: anyone who has been on a Seattle road, whether on foot or in a car or bus. 

The dude I spoke to was very nice, very “Seattle”, as it were.  He kindly explained to me that plowing the snow into the center lane was part of the “strategy” for making the streets safe for travel.  I asked him to, just for a moment, remove the center lane from the equation, but maintain the strategy.  He was silent for over 10 seconds, so I think he might have actually thought about it.  While I wanted to rant, I didn’t.  I was more concerned with really explaining to him why it is a danger to people on the road, and I can only hope that he got it.  He said that he did and assured me that it would be addressed immediately. 

We have many a capable spy in the S. end and they’ll be checking to let me know what’s up (oh what, you thought I was gonna go back out there and drive those roads again?  Hell to the NO-thank-you), so if the problem isn’t fixed, then we’ll use the special phone in the SV Cave, the one that connects to Nickles’ desk phone and blackberry (yes, the green one), and rip into his sorry ass. for this pathetic excuse of a response to the snow.

To say that roads and side streets are horrible is an understatement.  They are an embarrassment, how about that?  Yes, it really is THAT bad. 

What’s worse is that there is still plenty of time for some sort of tragic, likely preventable accident because of the conditions on the road; as if two charter buses nearly plummetingto a busy freeway 25 feet below wasn’t bad enough; I mean damn, don’t we all feel like we really averted disaster with that one?  Why then, do we have a Mayor who is willing to temp the fates?

A few more things before I close this out.  A big fat shout out to everyone who has taken a shovel and gone outside.  A generous hat tip to all who have shoveled steps and sidewalks and entire streets in and effort to increase safety and accessibility to all.  One friend asked me this very on-point question about her efforts to clear a nightmare street in her neighborhood:

I would like to know the name of the spa where Greg Nickels is comping massages for people who do the city’s work FOR THE CITY.  You know, like making sure streets are passable almost TWO WEEKS after the first storm hits…  Think if I went to the Salish Lodge and said, “Charge it to Hizzoner” that would be cool?

Well, it sure would be a START, sheesh! 

Another friend thought (wisely, I might add), that the city’s decision to use sand was a monetary one for sure.  I won’t disagree. 

But here is something else I noticed- the roads themselves are now beginning to buckle under the stress of the cold, wet slush lying over it, which by the way makes the roads even more difficult to travel.  Tons of potholes where none existed two weeks ago, and it’s just the beginning.  We’ve got a ways to go before there is not more white (or brown) stuff on the ground, and since it has nowhere to go, it will continue to undermine streets and sidewalks.  All that damage certainly does not come without a very hefty price.

Way to go Greggy, heck of a job!

I agree with other local commentators that the Seattle City Council is going to have to take on the issue of storm preparedness and response, because the fact that Greggy came out an announced that he had awarded the City- under his leadership- a “B” grade for their street clearing efforts is beyond laughable- it’s blackout-moment inducing.  I’m sure adding this to their agenda won’t be a problem.

In the meantime, we the people have to stay on this, continue to demand answers and continue to express our outrage.  We can continue to do this the easy way, either by taking to our blogs or calling Hizzoner’s office and giving his staff an earful, OR, we can take a new approach.

We call it the Nickles Ambush.  It almost sounds like it could be the name of a really wicked baseball pitch, and while there is throwing involved, there are no baseballs. 

No, for the Nickels Ambush, we need snow. 

If fluffy white powder just isn’t available, then scoop up some of that nasty 12 day old sandy snow-ice and mold it into a nice ball. 

The method of the Nickels Ambush is very, very simple: 

Prepare and store your snow/sand balls for easy travel and easy access, and then hit the mayor square in the face with one every time you see him.

To be fair again (because we really care about that in this case) nailing Mayor Dumdum is not going to make the snow/ice/slush melt faster, it won’t improve the condition of the roads, and it won’t give you back all the time you lost during your already minuscule holiday vay-cay. 

If done right however, it will make you laugh.  I’m sure we can all agree that in this case, laughter is the best medicine.