By Sable Verity
Last month fellow FreshXpress.com contributor MrSwagger wrote an article breaking down 6 points of advice for women on keeping their good man.
I’m sure for some women, it can be tempting to read such honesty and think “well dang, what has he done for me lately?” But that might not be as productive as just taking the suggestions in whatever way makes sense for us as individuals and then dealing with our needs separately. It doesn’t mean they’re not as important as our man’s, it means we’re mature enough to listen. After all, how often do we want a man to just break it down as he sees it, only to get double talk or creative side-stepping? A blunt breakdown is usually a good thing.
In the spirit of strengthening both sides of the relationship, I offer these bits of advice for men. You know who you are. You have that woman, who is so good to you, the mere thought of losing her makes you whimper like a little boy whose ice cream just fell of its cone. Don’t worry, I got your back.
1. Be trustworthy
You think we’re nagging you when we call to find out where you are and when you’re going to be home. You think we don’t trust you, but that’s not it at all. The fact is, women worry, sometimes to an irrational degree. We know that anything can happen, and the more we love you, the more we worry. So don’t assume the worst when you see our number on the caller ID, and whatever you do, don’t ignore the call. Also, if you say you’re going to the grocery store, there is no real explanation for why you’re at your boy’s house, or your cousin’s house, or why you suddenly didn’t answer your phone for a good 90 minutes and insist the damn thing never rang and you were just having car trouble. Get the milk and the ground turkey meat and bring your ass home. That kinda stuff will make us not trust you and is generally irritating.
2. Rebuke Paranoia
When we are in love with you, there is no one but you. Denzel Washington himself could get down on bended knee and we wouldn’t even see him. Trust us to know our feminine power, and to not misuse or abuse it when we interact with other men. Saying “hi” to a man in the grocery store is not a step towards disaster. If you always think that some other man has a chance to pull us away, then you don’t believe in yourself, and you don’t believe in us. That semi-paranoid, borderline possessive behavior simply is not conducive to a healthy relationship.
3. Express Yourself
No matter how confident we are as women, we want to hear from you that you love and appreciate us- and yes, that we are beautiful. We want to know that you desire us and us alone. We like affection, and enjoy it expressed in different ways. Sometimes we need to be told, other times we need to be shown. It doesn’t have to be elaborate and it doesn’t have to break your wallet, it just has to touch the heart. Also, you are going to have to communicate more than you ever have with any other person. But don’t sweat it, because communication is the key to unlocking everything else, so really, you want to do it. It’s when we stop talking to you that you’re in it pretty deep.
4. Pleasure
Yes, I’m talking about sex. Anyone who says that sex is secondary in a relationship is lying; sex is key for men and women. There is nothing a woman can’t stand more than a selfish lover. We aren’t talking about foreplay per say, no, we’re talking about the orgasm. It’s no secret that often times it takes a woman longer to get there than a man. Nothing makes us want to smother you in your sleep more than when you get yours and pass out 45 seconds later. Learn how to squeeze every ounce of pleasure from us and we’ll know that you care about us as much as you care about yourself- which will only heighten our appreciation for you.
5. Maintain Self
Do not, under any circumstances, lose your identity. We do not want you to get into a relationship with us and forget yourself. Even if we think we do, we don’t so don’t let us convince you otherwise. Yes, sometimes sacrifices and adjustments need to be made to accommodate the needs of the other person, but you’re still expected to have a life. Your friends should not be lamenting that they haven’t seen you since you “hooked up with ‘ol girl”. Continue with your interests, whatever those may be. The things you value in life, we value in your life. We also need for you to take care of yourselves physically. Your health is our health. You will have to adjust your diet and you will have to maintain a healthy, active lifestyle. Again, this might be hard, but you want to do it. See #4 for motivation.
6. Personal Growth
If we’re going to be in a relationship with you, there is something you need to know and accept; we are not going to stay the same. As women we are going to go through different cycles. Our interests will change, our desires, even our beliefs. We’ll go through phases of wanting to try all sorts of different things and go to all sorts of different places. Don’t worry; we have friends so we don’t expect you to tag along for everything. But we do expect that you will grow and change as well, that you too will have new interests and hobbies. Nothing stays the same forever, and that’s okay. As long as we’re both holding it down and taking care of our responsibilities, then let’s at least enjoy everything else life has to offer us, as individuals and as a couple.
This is an interesting post. The most “confusing” entry is #6, Personal Growth. Your document claims that women “do expect that [men] will grow and change as well, that [men] too will have new interests and hobbies”. Growth for me has usually been exploring current interests to deeper levels, understanding that which I know to greater depths and from a wider perspective. People consider me to be in many ways reliable yet unchanging. How would you expect such a personality to be interpreted within the model you present?